Days 6 - 11

So  I missed a few days writing.  I think that's because this detox has become more a way of life, less a struggle that I needed to vent about.  I understand more what this is all about.  I have changed several things, on my own, thus coming up with a combination of suggested meal ideas and my own tastes.  In many cases, I still eat the same things essentially, but just in different ways.  For instance, I love eggs in the morning.  I used to eat them cooked in butter and milk, and loaded with cheese.  I now eat a 3 egg omelet, that is cooked in coconut oil, sans the cheese and milk, with mushrooms and peppers.  So I get more taste, really, than I got out of it before, and much less fat.  I feel energized afterward, not sluggish. 

I have not bought or eaten a loaf of white bread since probably high school, and therefore thought I had "eliminated" white bread from my diet.  So why had I not noticed a difference?  Well, because white bread is disguised everywhere (well not really disguised, just cleverly overlooked by me) - french bread with spaghetti, breadsticks with that pizza order, eating out at Jimmy Johns (this hurts, as I love JJ - when I go there again, it will include a WW order), and for that matter all eating out.  It's SO easy to make excuses, as we all know well!  And what's with Amercans eating two carbs with one meal?  Why are we even adding bread to a meal that already contains pasta?  It's so much more satisfying (and less sluggish) to eat a whole grain carb with your meal, or skip it altogether and have salad.  I keep it real with the salads, because they can get old if you don't.  Every week I buy different toppings for them (veggies, spices, fruit, nuts) and I never use dressing. 

I have cut out almost all dairy, with the exception of cream in my coffee.  I think the first time I used butter in two weeks was last night when I made cornbread to go with my veggie chile.  And hold on.....actually, I didn't even use butter!  I used "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter!"  (this always makes me think of a Yooper non-butter they sell there called "Is It Butter?", which always prompted my brother Kevin and I to demand, "I don't know, IS IT?!" and fall over laughing).  The lower peninsula version has no trans or even sat. fat, no sugar, no nuthin'.  (I think that's a recent change but not sure)  My point here is that butter can sneak in, in many forms, as I'm sure my faithful reader Kirsten, (a fellow blogger about food) can relate.  When you're baking, it's tempting to say, "Well...........the recipe CALLS for butter, and they made the recipe, so they must know what they are talking about, so I guess I'd better just use butter....."  Same for flour.  I always have substituted WW flour, but now I am using gluten-free flour, such as in my corbread last night.  (btw cornbread is an ok carb for me because cornmeal contains no gluten)  But I could have eaten that entire cornbread it was so good, and I had to limit my serving size.  I drank water instead :)

In summary, I would like to clear up a myth about my green tea - it IS caffeine free.  That's it.
K, I'm off.

Day 4 Detox and Depression

This day was in all honesty so bad that I couldn't bring myself to write.  Not necessarily because of the detox, but that certainly didn't help.  I got a little low on carbs.  I hadn't had ANY carbs since Tuesday (2 days), not even the healthy kind.  Don't know how that happened but it clouded my thinking and feelings and basically colored my whole day.  It started with sadness and loneliness, and transitioned to being very irritated with the kids, then just plain feeling low and not knowing why.  It was at that point (as it usually is) that I realized it was a depressive episode.  I looked at my crazy pill bottle and saw that the refill I had just picked up was less than the normal milligrams per pill, and that's obviously what sent me spiralling down.  I'm sure that no carbs didn't help.  My urge was to binge eat to make myself feel better, but I controlled it for the most part and had some detox tea and a piece of toast with cheese.  Felt a bit better, but still in horrible mood.(poor Joe and kids!)  Joe came home with a new vaccuum for me (so sweet, as I had merely mentioned wanting a newer, lighter version of the ancient one I had only 2 days ago) Went to beach with whole fam dam and felt good only while in the water, playing with kids.  Made a stop at Home Depot to pick something up and Joe also ran in to Office Depot to grab me some mail slot shelves for organzing the kids' papers from school.  (I hadn't been able to find them the previous day when I had a babysitter).  School shopping is now complete!

I have two things to say here.  One is, do NOT allow yourself to get low blood sugar while doing this detox or any diet.  Eat a little something before you feel ravenous, to stave off hunger.  Food is Fuel.  Plain and simple.  It can taste good and should have flavor, but it cannot improve overall mood or make the world seem brighter on a bad day.

Two, mind over matter is a HUGE thing.  It kept me from very very negative thoughts and kept me going for the sake of the kids.  Depression is an illness, and as I have explained several times to those close to me, on a good day, it is managed with eating right, exercising, praying, staying busy, and thinking of others before yourself.  On a bad day, you can be doing all those things right and still feel very "off" to put it lightly, and have no control over it.  I suspect that the refill being off is the problem, but I don't know for sure.  So, mind over matter is essential on these days.  You tell yourself that this day will pass, that tomorrow you will feel better.  And guess what, it's tomorrow and I feel better!  That horrible sinking feeling assailed me first thing this morning, but thoughts of others' well being dragged me out of bed.  I EVEN made it to Meijer with all four kids.  Are you impressed?!  I certainly was!  But, help me Lord, the 5 people who stared at me and said, "looks like you got your hands full" did not get polite responses for me.  I guess the bad mood had lingered on, just a little :)

Day Three

Good news to report today.  Made a little stoppey-stop at my doctors' office today to weigh myself, and had lost two pounds!  Melissa B. says a pound a day is pretty typical for the first week.  I am being about 95% hard on myself, as far as cheating goes, and if I could sum up the whole process so far in one word, it would be self-control.  That's really what ALL bad eating habits boil down to.  And if I could add another one, it would be moderation.  We all need a vice or two here and there.  But how immoderate are you with it?  My ice cream once a week had turned into every night (in the winter, especially), and if  we are honest with ourselves, do we really  feel good after eating ice cream?  Negatory.

My darling cousin Shena and I had an awesome talk about veganism while she was visiting last week, and how everything you eat is real actual food, and you feel great after eating it.  Added much perspective to my detox, and I'm glad to have had it.  More on that perhaps later.....hubby is waiting for me to watch a movie, which I will enjoy whilst sipping green tea, WITH caffeine.

Adios.

Day 2 Detox

Woke up full.  Literally.  I expected to wake up very hungry, as usual, but I think my stomach is already adjusting to smaller portions. Decided that I can't drag through the morning that way, so had black coffee.  NICE.  Feel like myself again.  Pathetic addiction!

My head feels much clearer.  Prayer comes quicker, so I can definately see the mind/body connection with this. While sitting with my coffee, I looked over at Trey.  After eating his cereal, he had cuddled up on the chair, facing away from me, and looked like he was contemplating, which was odd, because he is never quiet this long.  He continued this for another 20 minutes.  I was insanely curious to know what he was thinking, but didn't want to interrupt, so I went on reading.  At the end of 20 minutes, he came over to me and I said, "What were you thinking about, bud?" He replied, simply, without any hesitation, "gum."  Men!

Mid-morning I met Melissa, my detox support buddy, at the pool and then we meandered with the kids down to the beach to eat lunch.  She brought me a "shake on the go," and I felt less jealous of the kids' PBJ's than I did yesterday.  Didn't even want a chew on the way home, even though I remembered to bring them.  Drank tons o' water.

Dinner:  Turkey burgers on a bed of lettuce.  Sounds pretty darn good!

I will end with a quote from my favorite Phish blogger, Mr. Miner, who comments after each show, giving such insightful follow-up that I feel like I was there.  Here, he is talking about their last night at Berkely before heading to Telluride yesterday:  "Phish used their intricate communication to craft a deep trek into the band’s rejuvenated soul. Plain and simple, “Light” blossomed into the most impressive exploration we’ve seen since the band stepped back on stage in 2009. With a stunning journey into the heart of the unknown, the band proved their intention, beyond a shadow of a doubt, to confront new musical frontiers on a nightly basis."

The DODA does Detox

This is kinda like "Debbie Does Dallas," except not at all.

I started a 28 day detox yesterday, to overhaul my system.  I lost my baby weight up to a point, and now my body is hanging on.  I won't bore you or embarrass myself with my waiste measurements and poundage, though that is part of the detox requirement, but rather have those recorded in a paper journal.  You know, the "old-fashioned" way to write. 

Day 1:  Woke up ravenously hungry and not a lot excited about not being able to make some cheesy eggs and toast with coffee (naturally, as my body is addicted to the sugar in bread).  I had felt pretty in control the night before, as I sought out acceptable food items for the following day.  In the morning, of course, I could have gave a crap, but forced mind over matter and made a shake, and skipped the coffee. (definately much harder than giving up alcohol,which is also required).  Instead, I had a green tea to clear my liver out.  Mmmmm yum.  Not that bad, actually.  Just not quite the punch of caffeine I needed (probably because there IS no caffeine in green tea).

Morning progressed a little draggy and tired.  I was too tired to even be grouchy.  Left house for allergy shot and quick trip to a mass jungle of wood and kidnapping terror (some people call this Kids Cove Playground)  and was starving by the end of that anxiety trip.  Kids felt overwhelmed too, and ended the event with a four way scream session that rivaled a hockey game.  I had forgotten my snack chews (which are protein-packed and quite delicious), so I literally raced home and mauwed (sp?) two chews.  I think in future I will keep the chews in the car. 

Lunch consisted of a healthy salad which left me feeling hungry within 45 minutes.  I love salad, but I usually punch it up a few notches with some lean turkey to keep me going.  I gave in and had some regular tea with a splash of milk and a chew two hours later.  (When I write "I had a chew," do you envision me with a wad of tobacco in my mouth?)  Felt better but then folded laundry and mopped the floor.  Clearly my body is used to more protein, because I was exhausted after this.  Hubby arrived home to sell his old car to an unsuspecting high schooler and suggested that we go to the beach since he was home early.  I went and laid down for an hour nap. 

Woke up refreshed, had a shake with added fiber, and headed off with the nearly two-year old to Meijer for a much better store of dark leafy greens and fruits, not to mention SALMON, which should be a shock to anyone who knows me.  The detox recipe I read for salmon with fresh lemon and dill sounded so good in my ravenous state that I wrote it down on my shopping list in the midst of it.  We shall see. 

Shopping went well.  Purchased mostly organic and locally grown.  Excited for the 6 meals I haved planned for the remaining week.  Finished off the night with small portions of organic, hormone-free chicken and brown rice, surrounded with spinache, tomatoes, carrots, peas and strawberries.  DE-lish, as my cousin Shena would say, and the whole fam loved the whole foods. 

My concluding feelings for my first day of detox?  THE LONGEST DAY OF MY LIFE.  I never realized how much I enjoyed eating whenever and whatever I wanted.  I've always eaten fruit and veggies all day, but always loved my "tea and toast" and ice cream.  Feel good about the day overall though. Went to bed early and slept well.  I'm thinking that sleeping well will be a huge part of my success.

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Hemlock

During the arduous months of preparation for my junior poet presentation at University of Dallas, way back in good ole 1997, a few things stand out.  One, Enya's album Watermark.  I must have listened to that CD 100 times as I tried to decipher the meaning of over 100 poems, so that I could somehow spout this information back out to a roundtable of professors, some whom I had never met, in a somewhat coherent fashion.  I am very proud of myself, of course, because I passed. 

Looking back over the years, though, I occasionally think about what I could have done to improve my presentation.  I've come up with a few things.  One, I would have gone back in time and gone to UD my freshman year, so that I would have understood that Jr. Poet had a placement, purposefully set forth by the founding faculty for the junior year of study, for very specific reasons.  As it was, I transferred in my junior year, and did not have the advantage of having taken two years of literary tradition to prepare me for this frightening project!  Two, I would have tried to find a silent place in nature to soak up all the information, instead of listening to Enya in a tiny apartment that I shared with two other people :). 

Those two things aside, what did I learn from this experience?  Well, like many things in life, especially academically - related ones, the real learning happens after the event.  While you're going through it, you are just trying to stay above water.  Get through one day at a time, learning as much as you can, like the brain of a spongy three year old.  Then, you spout out your non-processed, massive amounts of knowledge to a group of people who are much more knowledgeable than you are on the subject, come at it from a completely different angle, and are expecting you to defend your teetering position.  I managed.  I survived.

Since then, my enjoyment of Robert Frost is now at an all - time level of appreciation.  The man who stated that "good fences make good neighbors" knows what he is talking about.  Every day I look out my window at my neighbors' homes, staring me back squarely in the face, and think how right he was.  Frost's love of nature and peace stirred something up inside me that I've never quite been able to quell - that longing to live off the grid.  I love that his poetic philosophy was that "all poetry is a reproduction of the tones of actual speech;"  that identifies with my insatiable need for practicality in all things - even poetry. My husband Joe always says he isn't a fan of poetry.  In return I always say, "good poetry is not flowery speech without intent; it is saying what you mean and meaning what you say - with elegance."  That, to me is Robert Frost.  And that, for me, is what I took from my Junior Poet Project.

My dad and I once found a hemlock tree on the island, up in the hills and west of the s-curves, where we posted a copy of the following Frost poem:
"The way a crow shook down on me
The dust of snow from a hemlock tree
Has given my heart a change of mood
And saved some part of a day I had rued..."

And that is putting love of nature into intentional elegance.